Photography...

So the past few years have seen me walking away from photography...coming back...walking away again...it's been a whirlwind. My art is something that I am very passionate about, and with passion comes moodiness. I have been laying awake at night thinking about all of the amazing opportunities that have been passing me by. Why is it that I can't seem to take myself seriously as a photographer? It's obvious that everyone around me does!

I used to sit by myself under the stairs in High School and think about what my life would be like if people knew who I was and cared about my art, music, and writing. I thought about how it would make me feel. How fulfilled my life would be. I never once thought that the praise and recognition would make me feel uneasy. I almost feel as if sometimes I have something to prove. What's funny is that some people will see my horrible work and think it's great. Meanwhile im picking apart my exposure, my focus, and my editing. I don't know why im so hard on myself about it.

Then there's the fact that I am nearing the end of my degree. Completing my education means entering the work force with my psychology degree. Where will that leave me with photography? Furthermore...how much longer am I going to be able to work within the club scene and hold down a serious job.

I know that a lot of people are hobby photographers. Im NOT a hobby photograher. I don't want to take pictures of random stuff. Most of the time when I take nature, still life, or architectural photos it's just to keep refreshing the things that I learned in school. I like to take photographs of people. I like to be PAID to take photographs of people. Sure there are a select few people for whom I would always do work for free...because they are always a joy to work with, beautiful in front of my camera, and always leave me with epic things to add to my portfolio.

hahaha...portfolio.

I am 4 years into this and I have never printed a real portfolio.

I want studio lights! I want backdrops and props. I want better lenses, a speedlight flash...a wireless shutter release...a Bogen or Manfrotto tripod. I want reflectors and barndoors! I want at least 50,000 dollars worth of amazing equipment and a better camera too! If I had all of that stuff...I wonder if that would make me take myself more seriously as a photographer. I wonder if Ansel Adams ever felt the way that I do when he was taking his epic nature photos...like who the hell is ever going to like this stuff?

Im really just rambling on at this point...I hate feeling like this all the time. Blah.

Voodoo Devil Drums

Voodoo Devil Drums
“Ladies in free and drink free all night!”

General info
date: Wednesday, July 14, 2010
time: 09:00 PM to 02:00 AM
where: Endo Exo
address: 1224 Kings Ave
cost: Ladies 21+ Free Guys 21+ $5.00 18-20 Guys and girls $8.00
dress code: Gothic/Industrial or whatever you wish...just keep it sexy!

Description

Jacksonville's Best Industrial Dj's (Alex Pagan And Rob Boggs) Battle for Blood on the Decks ,as The Voodoo Dolls keep you mesmerized with their noir sexy style.!! Always ladies get in free and drink free,Guys $5.00 Jager Bombs $2.00 Draft $2.00 Tecate Cans
Dress in your best Gothic / Industrial attire, Wicked Arts will be on the scene.!!
Guys and Girls 18 to 20* $8.00 Cover
Girls 21 and up Free
Guys 21 and up $5.00 Cover

Why am I being so hard on myself?

Um it's summer time...im a college student...and that means I don't have to go to school. So why do I feel like I am not doing something I should. I have felt really rotten the past few days and have been sleeping much more than I normally do...only to leave me feeling really shitty about it now.

My job that I got...well let's just say that it didn't work out. It was exactly what I thought it would be...only the training process was really frustrating and more a trial my fire than a training and I would have been fine with that but I was hired as management and in a corporate environment you have to actually KNOW things to be promoted and work as a manager. Then the hours were kinda eh...lame and not really worth it. Working three hours four days a week? Then...The hours started to collide in a bad way with Ric's schedule...one week of it and we were both like...is this really gonna be worth it? We voted no.

So it wasn't for me...that's not really a bad thing. Not every job is gonna work out. It sucks that at the moment it was my only real prospect...but in the grand scheme of things it's probably better to find out it wasn't gonna work now...rather than later. I just kinda feel like I have given up on a lot this summer...

But really, what is a full time college student expected to do over the summer? This is the first summer that I have had off...it's kinda...overwhelming. I feel like all I do is sit around and veg out. Which trust me...it's nice to not have deadlines, papers, and tests around every bend...but damn! Without those things my life has kinda become...boring.

Thank God for Heather...she's been keeping me sane. SecondLife has given me something to do...but I am sad that I know come September im going to have very limited time on SL to really play.

My Fall Semester is CRAZY im taking 5 classes. 4 Academic classes and a P.E. I know...im nuts...but I am so ready to get all of this crap behind me. I needed to take Statistics but all the classes were at night and it's really hard for me to go to my night classes...I get home and never wanna go back. I only have one night class a week in the Fall and it's Theater Appreciation...i'll WANT to go to that. I love performing arts! After this semester the only core classes i'll have left are World Lit and Statistics! I have been trying to get into World Lit with Professor Dewart but she only seems to be teaching that on the web. Maybe I should stop by her office in the fall and find out what her plans are for Spring cause I have to get that class taken care of. Im pretty sure that i'll be able to walk at Commencement. I may get a dummy diploma LOL but that's ok. I'll just have to see...I never talk to my adviser LOL it's weird because he's the head of the Psych department and I never took from him. I took from Dr. Bluhm and Dr. Stevens and they were excellent!

Anyway...im bullshitting and stuff at this point...I just hadn't had a Journal blog in quite some time and I felt like it was time. Im sure I will check in later on in the month and let you guys know what's up. Until then enjoy my random quotes and pics and tweets and other tumbls that I post.

Down in the Dumps

I have been pretty miserable lately. I have been sick since Saturday...things around the house have been really really horrible for me. My roommate hasn't been paying her part of the rent and it's making things really hard for Ric and I. We don't have anyone but each other to fall back on, and it seems like nothing seems to be going right for us.

I had...well technically still have...I think a job at Taco Bell, but it doesn't look like im gonna be able to keep it. My health is taking it's yearly nose dive...which sucks that it's happening during the summer. Luckily im not in school cause I can hardly get out of bed and im in so much pain that I pretty much cry myself to sleep at night...when I actually get to sleep before the night is over.

I miss doing portrait photography a whole lot...I just don't really know anyone who wants any pictures taken...well at least anyone local...

I guess you could say that I am officially down in the dumps.

Tila Tequila Needs Help

Normally I don't post about celebrities on my blogs. Mostly because I think there are plenty enough of those sort of blogs anyway. However, I was just reading something that made chunks rise up in my throat. It isn't every day that I actually feel deeply CONCERNED for any celebrity person. I have been following Tila Tequila since before she had her show on MTV. I thought she was cute and her blogs were always really funny. Her show was insane...but she came off as genuine and really fun.

Right now however, im going to have to say that I think that she really needs help. She has apparently been keeping a celebrity news blog. I decided to check it out and what I found was fairly common...until I came to her post about celebrities and the New World Order.

At first I laughed as she was talking about videos being blatant forums for satanic worship. I could understand her feeling that way about the Gaga video...but I think that was more just Gaga trying to continue to shock us. But apparently Rhianna, Beyonce, Miley Cyrus, and basically all of MTV are in league with the devil. She went on to further say that she was an angel sent here from God to fight the evil of the world(keep in mind one page before this she posted pictures of herself in a see through lace bra and underwear set). Anyone who is popular right now is a satan worshiping member of the Illuminati in her mind...oh and the one that tripped me out the most...the Illuminati killed Michael Jackson because he wouldn't be a part of their brainwashing scheme any more. Her reason for thinking this is because of a LATOYA JACKSON (that's credible) interview, and a picture of Joe Jackson with a bedazzled cow skull.

Laugh if you want to...cause honestly it is a little big silly...but I really think that Tila might be into some serious drugs. I quit following her on Twitter a while back because every time I logged in my feed would be flooded with her paranoid delusions and her "Tila Army" call to arms posts. It was just too much. Anyway... I know that I am only one voice...and I know that my voice is small and so very "east coast" but could someone in LA please go check on this girl and make sure that she is alright? Dr. Drew? Don't you have a spot in your celebrity rehab for her? She needs help!

Burned...

I am a really patient person. I genuinely care about my friends, and when someone does them wrong...if I can help them I will. Recently I took in my friend who had some really tragic stuff go on in her relationship. Violent things...I won't extrapolate because it isn't my business to talk about in my public blog. It was so hard to see her and her child being depressed. Being there and talking to her while she cried. Holding her on a few occasions.
I really felt like I built her back up, gave her confidence. She had been seeing a guy for a little while...and yea it didn't exactly work out but you know...they don't always work out. I have watched her kinda just spiral downward because of all of this and I honestly feel bad for her. The shit that has happened to her nobody really deserves. I have actually LOST SLEEP over her condition.
So today I got home from hanging out with a friend and she informed me that THAT GUY THAT FUCKED HER UP WAS IN HER ROOM. Not only that but that he was staying the night.

So wait...I held you while you cried over the things that you went through with this guy...I have been cleaning up after you and your child, feeling sorry for you, listening to you talk about how crappy your life is...and you are gonna bring THIS DUDE IN MY FUCKING HOUSE? I didn't even know what to say. Im over having altercations with people and fighting about shit so I just said that it wasn't ok and I went upstairs...only to get frustrated and leave shortly after that to come here and blog cause my internet is off at the house.

I feel kinda burned you know? Like all of that care I gave her was FOR NOTHING. All the concern and worry and you are just gonna go back to him? It's not my business...but it is my house. That FELON is not going to be allowed back in my house again. She is welcome to stay, and I actually want her to stay in my house and prosper and move on...but that is just not kosher.
I know that the rate that abuse victims actually go back to their abuser is pretty high...but I thought that the extreme that this situation got to was enough. UGH.

Rough weekend...

So I spent a lot of time at home this weekend just kinda vegging out and trying to relax. I was totally going to party it up...but I just couldn't get up the motivation to do it. I have felt really bad and been sickish and just not in the mood to do anything. My car was a little bit jacked up after I had the fuel filter replaced but that has since been fixed...and now it's working great again. It was quite the frustrating event...and it ended up costing me like 30 dollars in leaked gas. So not awesome.
So if anyone was wondering what happened to my Fashion Friday that I was planning that is what was up. I had a rough day Friday and it just kept on coming. I am going to keep on trucking though and do the first Fashion Friday this Friday.

In other news im starting to get a little bit stressed out about this move to Jacksonville...oh and school starts back June 7th.

Lookville.com

So...I got this invitation to join this website called Lookville and I was honestly a bit skeptical about it. I didn't really understand why I should join a social network that none of my friends were actually using...but it has been the source of quite a bit of fun for me lately.
Basically you set up a profile...only takes a few minutes. Then you post pictures of either yourself, or models in clothing, and you ask a question. Then it's posted up and anyone can view it and answer your question. It has me thinking a lot more about fashion...which is something I really really like. I think that perhaps im going to start a "Fashion Friday" where I post up things that I think are cute and fun, a new outfit I may have, and/or a makeup tutorial or something.
I get a lot of comments on my fashion all the time. I think I should share some of my stuff online. Obviously most of my stuff will be from a plus size point of view, and it won't be super on trend fashion. It will be my own brand of cool. In anycase...I can't wait to share it with you guys. First post will be on Friday.

In an attempt to be relevant...or at least visable

I now have a web presence on Tumblr. Im still not really sure about the site, but my blog there certainly does look very cool. I like this blogspot because of the ease of post...but I think it will be cool to cross post my blogs here over to tumblr.

Anyway if you happen to be on tumblr and want to follow me, my url is http://janwicked.tumblr.com/
Follow me up...Im gonna go watch Maury Povich! YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER! hahaha

Friendship

Girl world is often times tough to traverse. We have complex emotions, hormone levels that are constantly up and down, and we all expect way too much from each other. Friendships tend to ebb and flow it seems. There are the good times, the bad times, the epic nights, and the epic fights. It seems that all of these things go together to create what we know as a friendship.
Lately I have found that being a friend is much more fun for me than I could have imagined. I had a pretty epic birthday party and I was surrounded by so many amazing friends. Sure there were a few people sprinkled about that were just there to say they were there, but all in all it was a great learning experience. It encouraged me to loosen up and let people in a little bit.
I have had a lot of issues with giving too much of myself and ending up feeling burned by it. I made a commitment to myself about 4 years ago that I was going to stop giving so much and simply live my life for me. It was a 4 year long process of purging myself of toxicity. Bad girlfriends, bad habits, bad choices...all of these things that I felt were dragging my social stock down. I decided that to have good friends, and for people to like me, it was probably best if I liked myself.
Now that I am who I am today, I have been constantly working to make myself better. Can you believe that I actually have had people in my life who think that it is a character flaw that I think im a great person? Obviously these people are not a major part of my life these days. One of the things that I hadn't quite been able to work on was my tendency to kick people out of my life and not talk to them. I have flaws just like everyone, and it's really easy for me (unfortunately) to tell someone if you don't like me you can piss the fuck off...and in most cases people will do exactly that. I have recently had the opportunity to patch things up with a few people. I always look on these chances as a golden opportunity.
I patched things up with a friend of mine that I have had since I was a little girl, and I think that this opportunity came at a good time for the both of us. I have been in desperate need of a good girlfriend that is close by, and some things have been happening in her life recently as well...we both needed each other. I also kinda buried the hatchet so to speak with my...um...girlfriend?...exgirlfriend?...it's hard to say. I found out that she was pregnant and I sent her an olive branch email because I am sure that she is really nervous about it and could use someone that cares about her...and let's face it, I do care about her a lot.
Friendship is hard and it takes a lot of work...some sacrifices...some bartering...and A LOT of compromise. But isn't it just totally worth it?

I haven't posted a blog in a few days...

...and im real sorry...life has just kinda been a dull event. Not much to talk about and not a lot of feelings. I do however have a blog to post up about friendship but I am going to probably wait until later to do that.

Anyone got any B-12? I feel like ballsacks today!

Phuk The Politics 2

Phuk The Politics 2 was a serious blast yet again! For those of you that aren't aware of this party series yet, you seriously need to experience it for yourself. Remember the days when you could walk into a club and before the night was over you had made friendships and connections with people instead of staying stuck in your small group of friends. The day when everyone danced like nobody was watching? Maybe even the days when everything glowed and the beat pulsed, and everyone smiled at you? This is what Phuk The Politics is!

Phukheadz is the vision of Byron Brown of Jacksonville, Florida! His little orange (and sometimes multicolored) men seem to pop up in every corner of the Underground Scene and the mainstream as well. The Loyal Order of Phuk or the L.O.O.P. includes such noteables as Willie Nelson, Cheech, and Juliette Lewis. It also is a who's who of Jacksonville DJ's, Entertainers, and Club Kids alike.
When you receive your phukhead it comes in a box signed by Byron that is also numbered. Byron takes your picture and adds you to the L.O.O.P. and you are a part of a growing family of people dedicated to art and love! For more information check out the social networking pages http://www.facebook.com/phukheadz or http://www.myspace.com/phukheadz

I need a xanax...

Shit is pissing me off and I need a xanax. Ric and I were talking about escaping into the night...maybe we should...

Woah Horoscope!

You have reached a turning point and it's up to you to decide what comes next. It's time for you to wipe the slate clean so you aren't limited by yesterday's plans. The Taurus New Moon activates your 1st House of Self, enabling you to exert a higher level of self-determination over the weeks ahead if you are willing to make a decision today. But choosing which road to take isn't enough; you must also commit to giving one hundred percent until you accomplish your goal.


That is some crazy stuff. I feel like that is exactly where I am right now. I have so much going on in my head lately that I can barely sleep. There is so much that I want to do, to see, to learn that I am in sponge mode. I feel like I have gotten to a place where I can really see my goals on the horizon and the past is all but a distant memory. A place that I can say I was...a bad place that didn't claim me!
Im actually proud of myself for what I have accomplished and for the person I am today. I get a lot of feedback these days and I am really starting to see that other people are noticing the positive changes in me.

But what about my hair?

So I have this "Rainbow Brite Inspired" outfit that I am wearing to Phuk The Politics on Saturday and it's super cute...but I don't know what to do about my hair. The cool thing is that when I look at pictures of her hair, she has thin hair that curls into ringlets on the end. Which my hair does PRETTY MUCH ON IT'S OWN...so that's cool I don't need fake hair. But she also has blunt short bangs. Now I have a clip in but it's one that I made and I need a headband to cover it...
Im wondering if instead of the pony (which won't look good with the headband) I should do pigtails and put a lavender ribbon bow with a red star in the center on both sides. Then I could still have bangs and the bows will cover up the bang piece...

I don't know...I can't decide and I don't even have the bows yet cause I need to go to the craft store...and gosh I hope that they have the perfect lavender ribbon that I need. Sorry I know this post is ADD and Random but these are the lame things keeping me awake at night.

Making New Connections with Old Friends?

Things happen, people change, and then one day you find yourself on facebook being messaged by someone you have literally not talked to in years. That person is not only messaging you, but they are messaging you with a private joke that only the two of you can really appreciate properly.
You exchange pleasantries and the whole "what have you been doing all these years" stuff. Then they drop a major bomb. Even though you have been living separate lives for nearly 8 years...you ended up being into the same things, and living the same lives. Then you realize how stupid you've been.

Every moment that I was sitting around wishing that I had a close friend to share some silly joke with, or having a good cry with, or when I wrote a poem that only they would enjoy...I had to live with the fact that I had been the one to push that person away. I don't really have a lot of close girlfriends. Girls are high maintenance friends. You have to make sure that they are having fun, comfortable with your life, sharing in your interests, and that you can share your feelings and they can share theirs. Anything else...you gotta keep them at arms length and just talk from time to time.

This friend that I am talking about...I never should have pushed her away. We should have talked about our issues and gotten over them instead of building the great wall of china between us. We could have been a great support for each other but instead we ended up just living our parallel lives separately.

Im going to open up my life to her and she seems to want to be my friend. Second Chances are such an amazing thing. I think i'm gonna do this right this time.

I broke down...

I broke down and I wrote her. Fuck I didn't know what to even say. I haven't spoken to her since like August...and all of a sudden her myspace flashed up on my screen and I decided to check in...I hadn't in several months. I usually lurk people, but lurking her profile HURTS BAD. There are still pictures of me all over it. Still little captions that say "I love my girlfriend" under pictures of us...it's hard to see it.

Then what is the most telling thing of all? What did I completely miss out on? SHE'S GONNA HAVE A BABY! That's so effing major...so completely major...and im out (trying) living my life like she doesn't exist.

She hurt me so bad...some of the things she said cut me like a million knives...but I couldn't not write and say something. I cared so much for her...shit I still do...but there were sooooo many reasons that we were better apart. I like to fix people and she was broken and liked it. Bottom line. I put my nose in where it doesn't belong and not everyone is looking for someone to save them. I would have given her anything I could have, taken her anywhere I could have, and held her close forever if she had wanted me too. What hurt me the most was finding out that she didn't want that stuff from me.

Im gonna go to bed...this was a little bit much to stomach right now.

Wicked Tea Party Pics

I took a bunch of (really horrible because I was drunk) pictures! I posted them on facebook if you are interested in checking them out...here's the link

WICKED TEA PARTY IMAGES CLICK HERE

Also if we aren't facebook buddies go ahead and add me. If you don't have an obvious photo of yourself please say "Hey it's so-in-so from fetlife" cause I don't tend to add a bunch of people to my facebook.

Suck That Hallmark!

My mom wrote me the sweetest birthday poem ever! I wanted to share it with everyone who may not have seen the post on my facebook page. AWWWWW

Your birthday is so memorable-from day 1 for me.
You're little face starting grinning before the world you would see.
You nuzzled in so close-for feeding time was mine-
I nutured you from birth-until this 29.
Some pain is heir apparent-
for any caring parent.
But each day you grow more beautiful inside and out
even from ...day 1-you met the world with a shout.
You don't give in nor do you give up
herefore you will some day win a beautiful Golden Cup.
Ribbons in your hair
ribbons for dancing and twirling in the air.
An award winner from birth to today
I am so proud of you I must say.
My love grows stronger darling and don't forget this fact
I love you unconditionally and that is that!!!!
Happy birthday darling-keep up the good job.

Special Thanks

Special Thanks to all of my amazing party guests!
1. Ric My love!
2. Janice
3. Xaea
4. Mia
5. Michael
6. MDR
7. Faye
8. Bio
9. Justin
10. Josh
11. Czar Jay
12. Lady Jenna
13. Sobe
14. Jeremy
15. Barbara
16. Recca
17. Chris
18. Tyler
19. Miles
20. Jake
21. Danielle
22. Adam
23. Amber
24. Amanda
25. Jen
26. Britney
27. Mike J
28. Lance
29. Dano
30. Shawn
31. Shawn's cute chick friend who's name I didn't catch
32. Scathe
33. Sarah
34. Paul

Also I want to thank all of the residents of Cypress Mill Court for being understanding and not being lame and calling cops. To the Brunswick Police for staying away. I want to thank my father for all the christmas lights for the back porch. The mushroom decorations were made by Xaea and Mia, I helped but not much. The "Drink Me" tags were printed by Xaea and if you need something cool screen printed let me know and I will direct you to her!
Special thanks to Czar Jay and Lady Jenna and also to Dano and Shawn for lending a hand and bringing the pain! Epic!
Thank you to everyone who had to travel from afar to be with me...I wanted you all to know that you didn't go unnoticed! I remembered everyone that was there! All 34 of you! Crazy Times!

How it Feels to be 29

I feel amazing!

I had an epic party last night. All day long I have been having to fight back emotional tears of joy. I have amazing friends and they showed me last night exactly how they feel. Everything went perfectly and I couldn't have asked for more (well maybe more punch LOL but ummm there was 2 gallons of hunch punch and that was QUITE plenty).
A lot of my friends from Jacksonville made the trip up here, and even some of my friends from Warner Robins came! They drove almost 4 hours to see me! I really can say that I felt so special surrounded by everyone. I literally felt the love.
At one point in the night I was taken to the front of the party, bent over our bar, and given 30 lashes from my lovely husband. I thought I was through...but then all the party participants got to come up one by one and get one in. Mike J even got me good with his stick LOL...in complete 70's pimp attire.
I couldn't have asked for a better Mad Hatter than Lance...or was that Splash? Only he knows the answer to that one! Im pretty sure that Lance had left the building at some point...hehehehe! Nothing major was broken. We had one epic puke...but I didn't have to clean it up. Everyone ate, drank, and well they were either merry or they were in some kind of pain driven ecstasy that they completely begged for hehehe.

Originally I hadn't planned on the party being a fetish play party, but that's what it kinda melted into. Everything stayed moderate, and the vanillas learned that they were definitely vanilla LOL. Lots of people made new friends, some people made new connections with old friends, and some people learned that maybe they still had some connections that they thought they had lost at one time. It was a beautiful thing to watch.
In my life I have thrown some outrageous parties. All of them have been different in many ways. I have to say, however, this party is one that I will always remember. It's probably the last party I will ever throw in Brunswick, in the best pad we have ever lived in. Definitely the biggest head count for a house party. Least amount of drama...and definitely the most love and solidarity I have ever felt from a party crowd.


To everyone that attended...thank you...from the bottom of my heart you guys are amazing!

...I can't sleep

I feel like a kid the night before a trip to disney or something. Is it Saturday yet????

Last Day of Classes!

Woooooooo!

I have two finals next week but today is the last day of classes. Im so stoked! Bring on the summer.

Still haven't made a final decision about summer classes. I don't know if I want to drop them or not. I have to make that decision in the next week.

Birthdays

I'll be turning another year old in under a week...and I think 29 is a place I will get comfortable and sit in for a few years actually. I don't want to have to say that im 30 yet. I am celebrating my Birthday pretty much all week long doing various things and of course wearing my favorite Tiara! So bare with me this week because I am always an obnoxious demanding twit at my birthday. It's always seemed like the best time of the year for me to channel the Veruca Salt! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY BITCHES!!! YAY! Now im off in search of ice cream for breakfast! YAY!

Thanks Mia aka Peepchick for this uber cute rendition of me as an easter peep! I love it!

Sunday Activity Journal

I actually got out and walked for 30 minutes. I also did some arm work on my rope thingy that I rigged to a tree. I need to start doing crunches and lunges and stuff like that. Dinner wasn't the most healthy. I had a hamburger. Lunch was Ramen Noodles...we're kinda broke right now.

Activity Report for Saturday

I actually felt bad...like REALLY BAD all afternoon. I ended up sleeping a lot...but when I woke up I went outside and did some arm work and then swept off the deck which was enough to make me break a sweat. We have a pretty big deck...hahaha

Dinner was healthy.

Grilled Chicken with Heinz 57 sauce
Green Beans
Scalloped Potatoes

Then I effed it all up and got a hot fudge sundae at Sonic...you win some you lose some right?

Activity Summary

Milled about the yard cutting weeds, ran up and down stairs a million times, and jumped into my freezing cold pool naked. Walked to the end of the road to put up a yard sale sign...sure it wasn't exercise but it was something.

I also ate a very healthy balanced meal.
Beef Sausage
Spinach
Shells and white cheddar cheese
Warm apples with cinnamon and sugar.

All portioned out on a school lunch tray. Not too bad...

Pulling together my Birthday Look.

Please forgive my very 3rd grade art skills LOL...I just committed to pulling together my look sheet for my birthday party costume. I have all the pieces cut out and ready to sew but the pink and purple petticoat is done. The tutu is by Lip Service and I think my bday is a great opportunity to whip it out. The arm fluffies are made and I have had the purple leg fluffies. Im pretty excited about this outfit...oh and thanks to my lovely friend Kathie my hair is currently in a pot on low on the stove becoming a lovely shade of pink. I already have the purple.

This outfit is gonna be pretty damn epic!

I know why now...

I know why God made me all broken an unable to have kids...cause I would probably go to jail. I have no patience for this kid's antics these days. I don't understand...when I was in Kindergarten I loved going to school! Why is it a fight every morning?

Photography Sale

Introducing the "Take advantage of Jan Wicked Cause She's Broke" sale. If you book with me for this weekend or next weekend i'll do your shoot, your edits, and put all images on a CD for you for 25 bucks. This is normally a $200 shoot for all of that. Get with me TODAY if you are interested...we can book for the weekend!

Thinking about taking diet and exercise seriously

So last Thursday I blew out my knee. It was stupid and it shouldn't have happened. Im convinced that if I was a normal weight that it wouldn't have happened...but it did. It has made me start thinking seriously about what I can do to get my weight down. I have tried a lot of different methods and none of them seem to be decent...and I have a lot of trouble motivating myself to work out...but I need to do something. I don't want to be like this the rest of my life.
A friend of mine in Jax has recently lost 30 lbs and she looks great and I think that I am going to make that my goal. If I lost 30 lbs I think I would fit into my clothing better, that I would be able to work out easier, and overall things will just be easier. I'll be able to get into the habit of walking a lot more now that there is extended sunlight at night. I think it will be good for me...and im planning a route that will take me past Starbucks so that I can grab an iced green tea...that will help out as well.
I know that exercise is my problem...I don't over eat...im just not active enough. I'll get there...I just have to commit to doing it. Im gonna start tomorrow and i'll use this blog as a way of tracking what I am doing. Im going to be honest and candid about it...and if I ever say "I slacked off" or "I got lazy" I give you the reader the permission to rip me a fucking new one.

Now off to bed for me. Time for Real Housewives and the aftershow...ahhh my crack!

Haters on YouTube.com

Middlesex

In life we have our friends. When we get really close, sometimes our friends can feel a little bit like family. We check on them, hurt when they hurt, tell them we love them etc. Often times a deep friendship will cross over the line and become an intimate relationship. Something with a title, commitment, trust, and I suppose something to live up to. But what about that in between space?
Is there a hole with nothing in it between a friendship and a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship? If so...how do you know if that's where you are with someone, or if that is even an alright place for you to be?
Last year I had something like this with someone. I didn't know what to call it, so I didn't call it anything. I later discovered that this was probably a giant mistake, because we didn't feel the same way about each other. Maybe it's because I was married and afraid to put a title to another relationship...even if he was aware and involved in the evolution of this friendship. Perhaps it was because I sensed that maybe she wasn't really prepared to put a title to it. In any case it was different than just a friendship.
I think I want to call this place middlesex. It's kinda like that if you think about it. It isn't a friendship anymore, cause there's something making it more intimate. Maybe that "thing" is sex, or simply sexual tension...or maybe it's gotten "sexual" but there hasn't been any sex. In any case this place is complicated to say the least.

They gave me pills for my bills

So lately I have noticed a rise in people taking pills...seems like everyone I know is on some kind of fucking pill. I watch people...completely amazing people hit a rock bottom I never suspected they would all over a high. What is even more painful about it is that a lot of the people I watch destruct have DOCTORS that will back up their addiction by continuing to fill perscriptions and give refills.
You know things are bad when 6 year old children talk about it...I almost cried when I heard this child talking about how her grandmother used to take a lot of pills. What the hell do 6 year olds know about taking a lot of pills? Why?

This town is turning into a fucking drugged out wasteland. Generally you had to worry about people smoking crack or doing heroin. Now people are literally DYING from taking pills their doctors are giving them!

Anyway...I just wanted to talk about it cause it's annoying me lately.

INFERNAL DOLL FACTORY IMAGES

If you are looking for my Infernal Doll Factory pics you can find them at http://wickedarts.janwicked.com I have them above in my photostream as well but it will only show 200 images at a time so you can't see all the images...just the last 200 I have taken. All of the images that I have taken thus far are in an album at my newest site and please guys...that is where I am going to be hosting images from now on. Myspace finally censored me enough to piss me off. There are some great photos so far!

Nice Weekend Away

I spent the weekend in Jacksonville with my friend Laura and her crazy family. It was such a nice get away. I kinda wish that I could have just stayed there and never had to come back to this town. I felt my heart sink and the world just got very heavy when I walked into my house. It's been like that for a while now. Everything was messy...two sinks full of dishes. Middle island was cluttered with garbage and junk, there was a layer of dirt on the floor. Just walked into a disaster. Thank god for the pain pills cause I just didn't have to think about it.
Friday night I went to Forbidden State with the Infernal Doll Factory. It was super fun and I had the opportunity to find out that a lot of my Jax friends are going to make it to town to my birthday party and that makes me feel happy...amazingly special...and super blessed. Saturday Laura's family was going to Orlando, and while I could have gone with I decided that it was probably better if I just stayed in Jax. I went to my friend Jason's house and spent the day and evening with him and his girlfriend Missy. It was relaxing...and that was probably a good thing. Then we got ready and went out to the club for his gig. He was spinning at a swinger party. I haven't ever been to a swinger party but everyone there seemed to be having a great time. It was fun to hear some of the top 40 songs I like in spanish too. The theme was Latin Night so there was a lot of Latin music played. Jason even gave me a CD of tunes...Im gonna rip them into my I-Tunes here in a minute. Loves it!
Then Sunday was the Jacksonville Kinkster's picnic. I got to meet a bunch of people that I have been talking to online. It was kinda fun just being there also. I don't typically enjoy being in the outdoors...but Jay even convinced me to play frisbee! I think getting outdoors and doing active things is something I would like to do more often.
I hurt my knee sometime last week and im currently having to limp around. Im hoping that I just pulled something and that it will stop hurting soon. I was really ready to get out and start enjoying the sunshine and then BAM! Hurt my effing knee.
Anyway...it was really a great weekend. Now im back home and in school mode. Got an exam tomorrow that I can't afford to do poorly on.

Dumb Rhyme I made up

So I was challenged to write a poem about myself in a positive way. This is what I came up with. Kinda funny.


My name is Jan Wicked
and I don't do drugs
I don't copy other people
or wear skirts with uggs
I wear a lot of black
and I look kinda gothic
but I don't buy my shit
from fucking hot topic
I have a new attitude
and I have a new game
if you ask anyone around
yea they will tell you the same
That girl Jan Wicked
is a weird ass freak
She makes weird videos
about eating bloody peeps
but Im just being myself
nothing wrong my schtick
cause deep down I know
I am one bad ass chick

I found my new home!!!!

I found the place I want to live in Jacksonville! It's PERFECT! In a big building in downtown. They accept cats. They have an exercise room and washer's and dryers in every apartment. I bet it's walking distance from a Starbucks...epic. LOL So now that I know where I want to live I just need to work on saving money and helping Ric find a great job...and I am going to have to work to support a place at this cost as well. Good news is that we won't need to pay for cable and internet because the building has wifi so that's one bill down. We don't have to watch TV...

I guess I need to start looking into some places to work. I might actually try and get into working at Starbucks. They have good benefits and I am already a pretty good Barista.

OOOOOHHHHH Im sooooo excited!

When Easter's Over

Starting to Say Goodbye

Ric and I walked through what parts of Neptune Park you can walk through this evening. I smelled the air, absorbed the surroundings...it's a place here that I can say I have honestly always loved. When it's tourist season and busy, it's fun and it has a unique sort of energy to it. When it's off season and deserted it's got a calm that can't be described. We had the entire pier to ourselves. It was one of those amazingly clear, cool, breezy nights that I literally could have walked forever.
We talked about how weird it was going to be to come back to visit St. Simons Island after we leave and move to the city. How things that we might take for granted are going to finally seem lovely and relaxing.
Mostly right now this town seems like a suffocating vice. Like somewhere we are "just stuck" not a place we actually want to be. I think, however, once we leave...it will be different. I think when we come back to visit my Mother and our remaining few friends, that it will be kinda fun. Like eating at a weird mom-an-pop diner on the side of a country road. Just enough to relax and kick back...but not so much that it bores you.
I can honestly say that I can't wait for September, but I can also say that im scared. I have never really lived anywhere else...cept for that time in Washington and we know how that turned out...But I think that Ric and I will do better in the city. I think I will finally be able to spread my wings a little and that I won't have to worry so much about "finding people like me." I'll be able to say...wow im kinda bored...I think im gonna go do something...and there will actually be a "something" to go do.
After I establish residency i'll be in a much better school...even if UNF isn't the school of my choice, I can get a better education there than where I am. Im excited about seeing where CCGA goes though. I think they are on the right path.
Mostly I am just excited about being able to be closer to the new friends that I have made. I said that one of my goals this year was to make new friends, and I have, but unfortunately I made them all in another town (ooops). I think Jacksonville will change me a lot. I think being in a city will motivate me to keep up...rather than to just be who I am here. Im not trying to say that im the shit or anything...but I feel like my average is enough here to be extraordinary...but that's not saying much. In Jax my average isn't going to be shit. Busy city full of busy people working hard to achieve. Here you have a laid back city with laid back people who don't have to work hard because their money does that for them. It's kinda hard to live in a town like this when you don't have the money to be one of those "laid back" people.
I guess that I have finally committed to the fact that this move is absolutely happening...and so now im taking my time now to really get to know every thing about this city and do things that I have never done. It won't take long but I definitely have a list.
Jan's List of Brunswick Things To Do:
Go to the top of the lighthouse
Kayak from the mainland to the island through the marsh
Visit every small gallery and museum no matter how lame
Eat at Sandcastle Grille and Dressner's Cafe
Ride on the lame trolley tour
Ride a horse on the beach
Ride in a horse buggy at the village in the summer with Ric and make out

Random Events

So my Roommate's little girl had her 6th birthday today, and her grandmother bought her an above ground pool. It had never occurred to me to put a pool back there, but the yard space was just the right size. Of course it's like a 4ft deep pool so it's nothing to swim laps in...but it will be really nice to have this summer.
I love it when I can benefit from other people's fortunes.

Moving To The City

So I discussed my displeasure with living in town with Ric last night. We decided that the only way to really keep our lives going in an upward and positive direction is to live in a town that matches the pace of our lives. Living in Brunswick has been holding us back for quite some time now.
We have made some tentative plans for moving. We know we are going to need the money we put down here as a deposit. So we can't actually move until September. I am going to enroll in all web classes for Fall semester next year, and spring also if I haven't found a job by then. Mostly so that I don't loose my student aid before I have a job, because once I have a job I am going to be taking a year off to establish residency in Florida. I'll transfer to UNF once I am a Florida resident and finish my degree. Im hoping to work directly as a councilor for a few years in a mental health hospital before finally joining a private practice. The year off that I take I hope i'll be able to work in mental health in some facet. I am also going to spend that time writing my book that I talked about in my last post.
Another thing I am wanting to do is focus more on my body. I want to get into better shape and take my last final stabs at Entertainment. I think I should work in entertainment and get it out of my system or I will always wonder what could have happened. I know that im too short to be a model and probably too fat to do anything else...but I would like to try and see what I can get. I have realized lately that I am missing the stage...I NEED to get back into theater in some way.
I have a lot to think about I guess...but I wanted to post about it because im excited. It seems like ten thousand years away...but it's not even a whole year!

Let's Talk About Sexy Baby!

I like sex and I am very liberal about my beliefs on sex...however I am not into being a whore. Flirting, being silly, kissing...these things don't mean that I want to drop my panties and crawl into bed with someone ever. I realize that for some people it's hard to separate the sex from the sexual person. The sexual world is a fun place where things are taboo, and we can all stand to visit there from time to time. It's a little hard for me to find any reason that someone wouldn't like sex or sexual things.
I am in the beginning phases of a book about sexual sensitivity and learning to be "desensitized" about sex...and what that means for your life and your future. So far what I have are just some notes and ideas, but I am going to be looking for people to interview about sex...people from all walks of life. I suppose I am inspired by Alfred Kinsey...but I doubt it will be as difficult to get people in 2010 to talk about sex. What I think will happen is that I will discover that people actually LIKE to talk about sex and are going to WANT to get together in groups where it's alright to talk about sex. I probably will not be starting the sex talks until after the summer. If you are interested in participating please get in touch with me so that I can keep you in mind.
Anyway...I promised news about new projects didn't I? hehehehe
xoxo-Jan

New and Improved

The internet world is turning it's back slowly on Myspace.com. There are too many hackers, spammers, viruses, and just generally bad things going on for me to continue to use that site. Im also trying to pull away from social networking a bit. Im getting older and it is time that I start acting my age online LOL. So I am starting this new blog and I hope that my readers from Myspace will gravitate here. I will try and cross post for a while, but I think that I will eventually end up leaving the Myspace blog just like I evacuated Livejournal.
My Myspace pages for personal and business pursuits will remain up, and I suppose that I will check them from time to time...however my new pursuits will be here at blogspot. Of course I will remain an active twitter microblogger as well as having a facebook presence. My photography will now be featured EXCLUSIVELY at wickedarts.janwicked.com I realize that my webpage building skills are not amazing...and I don't have the money to pay a webmaster so forgive me.

If you are interested in hiring me to do some kind of photography for you www.janwicked.com is the place to look for information. There are links there that can help you find me on other places on the web, as well as a form for you to send me emails that I will get directly to my blackberry so I will respond probably within a few hours depending on how busy I am. So welcome to my new blog! Im excited and planning to use this as an outlet for more interesting blogging.